Missing the Boat

It's been a long while since I posted here. Too long. I have excuses longer than your weekly to-do list. But the truth is that I've just been afraid. I've been running from writing.

I've written before about writing being too sacred to share, too close and too raw an exposure of the inner workings of my heart and mind to put out into internet ether. But today, I felt more strongly than ever, that words on a page or on a screen are not meant to be written for the writing. They are meant to be read. There is only so much I can do for my own self-development in getting them out of me. Obviously my recent blank pages have not been helping me either. Although it seems presumptuous to think that these words might offer some small solace and help others, I've decided I can no longer let my own fears silence the words that would be written otherwise.

So, I commit to you here, Dear Reader, that I will post regularly with the prayer and passion of my heart that my raw words will somehow minister to the broken-hearted, to the lonely, and to the lost who are looking for that missing something - who is really a Someone. My prayer is that these words will be written, not by me, but by His Spirit - full of grace and truth (Col. 4:6).

So, why the new commitment?

Today the sermon in church was about Matt. 14: 22-33, entitled Faith Over Fear. This passage is well-known for Christians. Non-Christians will likely have heard it. Jesus walks on stormy waters to meet his followers who were in a boat. Peter tells Jesus that if it is really Him to call him to come to Him on the water. Jesus does and Peter gets out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. Peter starts to look at the storm around him, taking his eyes off Jesus who called him to step out and he begins to sink. Peter says the simplest and most powerful prayer, "Lord, save me." Jesus reaches down and pulls Peter up from the waves. They step into the boat together.

While I sat between my children listening to the message, I suddenly remembered the dream I had last night. I had missed a boat I was supposed to board at 5am. It was 5:45 and the captain had already left the dock. I was with my mother and we were supposed to meet my family and some others soon after. I wasn't upset or discouraged in my being late and missing the boat. This was because in the dream I remembered that I could walk on water. I also knew how to teach others to walk on the water with me.

In the dream there was nothing miraculous about it, no need to over-analyze, it was a very matter-of-fact feeling, like getting on a bike again after having learned as a child. You might be a little rusty but you don't unlearn how to ride a bike. In my dream I remembered leaning back into the water, taking a deep breath and then rocking forward, being pulled up by an invisible force and then just standing up and walking. The water came up to my ankles. My body was wet from leaning back but I walked, step-by-step. It was ok that I was late for the boat, I got there anyway.

I did not remember the dream until I sat staring dumbfounded at my pastor. It came back all at once like a picture someone put in front of my face in that moment. At first I felt numb and then taken aback. Was that really my dream last night? How crazy. If I tell someone, I’m going to sound like a nut. As Pastor Wes said something like “There will always be risks. But what step is God asking you to take?” I already knew what it was - this blog, my writing - having faith to be obedient despite my many fears about people reading what I write.

Then I became overwhelmed. The God who created the universe, who created the mountains and the seas, who knows the very number of the sands on every beach you can think of, is the same God who whispers dreams in the night to His disobedient child, and then confirms His word in others who are being obedient to Him because of their callings. Who is this marvelous God? Who am I that God is mindful of me? (Psalm 8:4). This kind of love is so indescribable, no words do it justice. I have read the scripture God is Love (1 John 4:8) countless times but when you get just a taste of it for yourself, it rocks you to your core and makes you want to put your face on the ground in utter astonishment.

God whispered to me in this dream to step out and write. He tells me to keep my eyes on Him, even though I am still afraid of the winds of judgement and rejection. I am still afraid of the waves of disappointment and insignificance but I'm going to step out anyway and choose to trust that He will catch me.

My prayer for you is that you would know Him who is calling you to "Come" so He can teach you to walk. What is He whispering to your heart? Is He nudging you to follow Him despite the fears of rejection from friends and family? Is He asking you to do something hard, like move to another region or change careers? Or maybe He just wants to be closer to you, for you to know Him in the ways He knows your inmost thoughts and deepest hurts. Maybe you’ve been angry with Him and haven’t spoken to Him. He wants you to know that He loves you. My prayer is that you will know how very much. He is with you, He is for you (Isa. 41:10, Jos. 1:9). He will never leave you or forsake you (Deut. 31:6-8). Even if, like me, you missed the boat at some point, He still says “Come.” It's not too late.

He will teach you how to walk to Him and will catch you when you fall and be with you in the midst of your fears. He always will. I know from experience.