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What happens when my plans get erased?

On the inside (and recently on the outside) I feel the urge to throw something or kick the wall.

I’m not proud of it. It’s not what God asks of me, but it’s the truth.

I spent many hours writing the blog post that would have been in this one’s place.

I had pictures, analogies and self-deprecating humor galore. I felt the content was fairly decent but I also didn’t want it to be full of a lot of fluff. I didn’t want to take the long road to the point which was this: we don’t always want the plan God has for us but His plan is the best one. It takes surrender and trust when things don’t go the way we wanted when His plans are entirely different from ours.

Before I published that blog I prayed that God would use my words to heal broken hearts and very clearly point only to Him.

So afterward, thinking I had prayed for direction on final edits, I opened up the draft to make them only to find that the entire thing was gone.

Gone.

Erased.

No explanation, just deleted.

I immediately started beating myself and everyone else up. Did I not save it correctly? Why did I not have a back-up copy? Had I not lost an entire report in college for faulty back-up storage plans? Why don’t I flipping learn the hard lessons?

I got on the customer service chat because there HAD to be an explanation and a way to revert back to a prior version. Did they not realize how important it was to be able to revert to prior saved versions? If I can find MS Word prior versions when my computer crashes, surely, SURELY, there was a back-up version on their virtual server. Was it because I made edits on the mobile app? Was there an issue with uploading the draft version on my painfully slow country WiFi?

But despite me blaming myself and them - there was no solution. The entire draft was just gone. No reason why. My work and the hours I spent were gone.

Me: “God, I don’t want a lot of fluff. I want to point them to You.”

God: “Ok, start over.”

My husband pointed out that I should have been rapturously happy that God heard and answered my prayer so quickly.

Welp. That was not how I felt.

God’s sense of humor and the immediacy with which He answers my prayers continues to astound me. But, sometimes, I am not amused.

This is a repeating theme in my life. I have plans and God interrupts them. I think things are going one way and they go in a completely different direction. Then I am upset, disappointed and I blame myself or others.

I’ve tried to follow Jesus with my whole heart for almost 19 years and yet surrendering is not a lesson I’ve learned well.

God teaches me that the sign of maturity in my walk with Him is not greater independence. The sign of maturity is greater reliance.

But my inside temper-tantrum self says Isn’t it the case that God gives us the desires of our hearts?! (Psalm 37:4) If that’s true, I should be able to follow the well-written plan I’ve crafted and not stare at a page that has been erased?!

The verse that comes to mind in recent days is the one stuck to my bathroom mirror: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.” (Isa. 26:3) I see it every morning and it’s something I repeat when I need familiar comfort from His Word. However, lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how I can better live this out . . . ‘cause perfect peace does not describe me.

What does it mean to have my mind “stay on God?” How can I do that while I live in the chaos of piles of laundry, kids’ soccer practice, kids’ homework, bills to be paid, work calls, all the people I love and who count on me, and the details of life that, if not done well add up to small and sometimes big failures and disappointments?

Practically, what does it look like to think about God constantly, to pray constantly (1 Thess. 5:17) and keep my mind stuck on God?

To be honest, I don’t know. I certainly do try but life’s distractions interrupt my well-intentioned plans. So, I’m going to try something new - surrender.

Instead of creating my own plans and being disappointed when the outcomes are not how I expected, I’m going to turn to the One whose plans are better.

Rather, I’m going to start with a blank page and look to Him to fill it in the days to come.

The only way I can do this is if God is the forefront of my mind, ever-present, because, as I have previously established I am a control freak.

He truly does give us the desires of our hearts but the whole verse says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” He asks us to make Him our delight first and before we know it, He has changed our desires to be in line with His.

If you’d like to join me in my 7-day Blank Page challenge, I will be creating a private Facebook group this Sunday, Oct. 3. I’ll post new practical things I’m doing each day to be stuck on God, letting Him re-write my plans and surrendering to His. If you’re on my mailing list, I’ll invite you and you can feel free to contribute or not. I certainly don’t want to create new plans in your life.

For those of you who feel the same urge to start from a blank page and let God craft your minutes and hours, I’m hoping we’ll learn from each other so that we each get closer to living in perfect peace . . . and that I’ll want to kick the wall much less in the future.