Perspective

There is nothing like waiting in an emergency room to change your perspective. Important things come into sharp relief as you process what is happening and all of the “what if” scenarios that play through your mind make other less important things blurry. At least this was what I experienced last Sunday evening.

In the midst of chaos there is love. 

That was the caption and picture that I got via text from my hubs on Sunday while we were getting ready for church. The tiny little coffee stain heart is a reminder that at the center of all the mess is beauty and love. 

This photo was serendipitous of my need for that perspective later that day when we rushed Belle to the ER. 

My sweet girl was climbing up the wooden ladder screwed into the tree at her grandparents house that led to a little platform “treehouse” in their yard. As she pulled up on the top step with all of her might, it came loose. It fell from the tree and so did she, landing on her little brother below. His hard head broke her fall and she managed to get up and run to Johnnathan while her arm dangled disturbingly at her side. Navy was fine and escaped with only a few sniffles and several nasty sideways looks in his sister's direction.

We had spent a nice couple of hours chatting with Jack & Robin, Johnnathan's parents, that afternoon. The kids watched a movie and colored in the living room while the adults drank coffee around the dining room table. We were planning to attend the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera, Love Never Dies, that night and I was more excited than is typical for the date night with Johnnathan. The tickets to the show had been a gift, the offer of free childcare had been a gift, and the simplicity of the time with my husband felt like a rare treasure in this recent busy season.

I went to the bathroom to change as the kids were putting on their shoes to go outside. As I got dressed, I reasoned. If we leave by 4:30 we can enjoy a glass of wine and appetizers before the show starts at 6:30. We'll eat a lovely light meal afterwards, enjoying the pampering of being able to sit across a table from one another while being served. The kiddos will already be bathed and in their pajamas late tonight when we pick them up. It won't matter even if it's pretty late because they'll sleep all the way home. After we tuck them into bed and marvel at their sleepy angelic faces, we can continue our date night, talking about the show, the food, our evening and our plans for the week while we climb into bed and dream sweet dreams.

This is the trouble with daydreaming. Reality comes to slap you hard in the face.

As I came out into the living room I heard Navy crying and then saw Belle crying through the blinds. One or both of them crying is bound to happen at least once during the course of a regular day so I was initially unconcerned. Johnnathan was exasperated trying to understand Belle in between her gasps for breath. She can be quite the drama queen and has a tendancy for full-on hysteria because her little brother bumps her juice pouch, talks about her toy, or looks at her funny. 

In the living room Belle calmed down enough to say simply, "I want to pray."  This was a first for her and although it should have made me feel comforted, it made me understand how much pain she was in and that she was really scared. She prayed a prayer outloud to God while she crumpled over Johnnathan's shoulder with tears running down her cheeks. Date night was out the window by this point and I was calculating how long it would take us to get to the ER from there. 

Along the way the slightest bump or soft press of the breaks made Belle shriek in pain. We pulled up and Johnnathan carried her inside. After I parked the car, as I walked into the hospital, I furiously texted friends to try to give away the tickets for that evening. Looking back, I was distracting myself from my own internal trauma brewing on the inside.

Belle cried on the bed as the nurse examined her but I could tell she was holding back. After the nurse left she let loose and sobbed. I leaned down to push back stray hairs of white-blond curls and whispered soothing words as I stroked her head. It was at this point that I noticed what I thought was dirt on her scalp. As I leaned down to inspect further, parting her hair with my fingers, something teeny, opaque, and repulsive flitted across the part in her scalp. I gasped, half screamed and ran to the hospital sink where I furiously started washing my hands. "What!?" both Belle and Johnnathn yelled. I looked in the mirror before answering them and I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. I thought to myself, Seriously?

They took her back for x-rays just a few minutes after that. While I waited for her and Johnnathan outside of the radiation room my thoughts came slower than normal.  I smiled weakly at ER cleaning staff as I tried to process the insanity of this life. 

Belle has lice. Belle has a broken arm. I saw an actual louse run across my daughter's head. That has to be one of the most disgusting things ever, like ever. This probably means we all have lice too.

At this thought my head started itching.

I hope she doesn't have to have surgery. She shouldn't have to have surgery. Maybe it's not even broken. Nope, I know it's definitely broken. I wonder if I can do a treatment for lice tonight on all of us. It will probably be about midnight before we're able to do that... what if we have to take her to a specialist tonight? How long do lice live on non-human-head surfaces? I should just burn everything fabric in our house. If I started a fire in our front yard in the wee-morning hours, I wonder if the neighbors would notice. Shann, get serious, that won't work. It just rained, the grass will be too wet. I wonder how long she will have to miss school. Thank God I already took off work tomorrow. So much for all of the packing I was going to get done. Can lice live on cardboard? What if we get rid of the lice on our heads but we pack it up and take it with us to the farm house?

At this last thought the double stainless steel doors swung slowly open and my Belle and Johnnathan came out. I smiled a huge smile and rubbed her foot. She was smiling too. She had gotten to pick out two stickers.

Of course, she was and is fine. She had a fractured humerus, cracked in two places and a dislocated shoulder. We were there for 5 hours and ordered pizza from across the street, which Belle promptly devoured on her hospital bed. I don't think I've ever seen her eat so much pizza. 

I was not in the mood for pizza and instead I ordered a prime rip from a steakhouse nearby, complete with loaded baked potato and a blue cheese wedge salad. (Hey, it had been a stressful evening.) My amazing husband went to retrieve it for me as he rolled his eyes after saying something like "Seriously?"

The nurse came to show us the x-rays of Belle's fracture and gave us discharge instructions with a number to schedule a follow-up appointment with a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. They gave her something like baby percocet and she certainly "perc-ed" right up, to the point we had to tell her to calm down so she didn't break something else.

After helping Belle buckle into the car that night, I collapsed into Johnnathan's arms in the parking lot. He hugged me and asked me what was wrong as I cried hurriedly on his shoulder. They were mostly tears of relief and of bewilderment and just what-the-heck tears. It felt good to cry for a minute. It was going to be ok. It was just chaos, it was just our life. 

We drove home that night with Graysie and Navy in their pajamas, me next to Belle and Navy in the backseat with both of them resting their heads on my shoulders. Yes, I thought about how my sweater was being infested with lice, but in that moment it was worth it. Graysie held Johnnathan's hand and I breathed a sigh of gratitude. When had we all ridden in a car together in quiet solace? Maybe never.

At home Johnnathan had concocted his own home-remedy lice killer made up of tea tree oil, sage, and lemon essential oil that he researched for hours in the ER. He slathered us all up as we figured it would have to do until we could get the treatment the following day. We made Belle a nest on our bedroom floor so we could get up in a few hours and give her more pain meds and I discovered a new fun fact after we finally got the kids into bed: I am allergic to tea tree oil. I broke out in hives all over my ears, neck and, bizarrely, my butt cheeks. Two benadryl for me before bed. Alas, an evening chock-full of surprises!

This last week has been emotionally draining. Bagging stuffed animals to suffocate remaining lice, my washing machine breaking and my dryer revolting due to the over-use, our house in utter shambles with boxes in every corner (did I mention we're moving in 2 weeks?), me catching up on missed work, Belle catching up on missed school, but there were also so many good things. On Tuesday I got to spend the entire day with Belle. We went to her ortho appointment to find that her arm had already and miraculously begun to heal. Her shoulder was even back in it's correct position without having to be set. No surgery, no cast, only a nicer sling to keep her classmates (and little brother) from bumping into her. We even got pedicures together late that afternoon and had our own little date night at the mall food court before coming home. The week was full of mess, confusion, and worry but also full of comfort, snuggles, and thankfulness. 

God works all things together for good. My chaotic mess is really a small thing in comparison to what others have suffered and really very easy in comparison to much harder times we've experienced before. My tears of relief were just that, relief. My baby girl is fine and, although revolting, lice are not the end of the world. This week's small testimony to Romans 8:28 is that God works to create beauty and love in even the broken bones and lice of this world.

Midnight snuggles with Belle during the next tylenol dose. Longer than usual hugs in a dark early morning kitchen with Johnnathan. The smell of coffee brewing. An excellent sandwich. Sweet concerns from Navy and Graysie about their sister. Tender moments as Navy gets Belle a pillow and she thanks him with a one-armed hug. Rejoicing when the lice are dead and the hair accessories are burning in the yard (not really, but I thought about it). Understanding and compassionate co-workers. A praying small group. Best friends who care. As my wise husband says, in the midst all of the chaos, there is love. It might be hard to see sometimes but look for it, it's there.